I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.