Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You Might Also Like
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.