On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions