[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.