me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
You Might Also Like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Wednesday
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.