Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Oh we’ve met.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Every work meeting this week
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.