I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family