I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
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