“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
You Might Also Like
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”