i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
found this cool rock hiking today
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
WHY would you be happy about this?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.