Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom