I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same