Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat