I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
me as a parent
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go