how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I mean…but I did
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.