When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
yeet
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.