without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.