Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
absolutely not
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.