Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*exercises sarcastically*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor