Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
When I laugh on my period
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.