Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Nothing to do, you say?
Facebook memories be like
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?