Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
You Might Also Like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.