* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog