If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Yup.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What if all the cashiers are married?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.