Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.