Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.