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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
This why you should mind your business
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over