My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
sleeping beauty
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: