[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
saw this in a dream
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.