Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
estão todos miauvindo?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Print is alive and well!!!