WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
you will never know the true number of layers
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”