When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐