HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Finally! 😈
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones