Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.