Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.