Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
You Might Also Like
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.