Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week