Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk