I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police: