I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Wait, let me explain..”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car