Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”