*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air