I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.