Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
craving $300 all of a sudden
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow