DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“Sheer Arrogance”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
me, too, girl. me, too.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo