I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars