Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.