People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement