Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft