Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.